It's been about a month since the miscarriage. I'm still unsure on how to feel, so let's blog about it. Writing is one of my favorite things and helps me get my feelings out.
The first week following the loss was the hardest of my life. The entire process of being pregnant was so exciting, then all of a sudden it's not... It's so confusing. After the doctor tells you the news, you have 3 options. I picked the second one... and all of a sudden, I'm carrying a dead fetus for a week before we can separate. Bonding with something no longer alive, but something I am so scared to lose. Walking in a deep fog every single day like a zombie. Pretending to be happy and OK when I was severely NOT OK. Actually having the miscarriage was painful both physically and emotionally. They never prepared me for the fact I'd have contractions. Contractions. For two hours.
During that week, I questioned everything. Is the Doctor sure the baby didn't have a heartbeat? What did I do to deserve this? Should I have been a nicer person? Did I do something wrong? I've already had to endure so much as a young women. Why is this happening to me?
Let's talk about something: Honesty. This is super difficult to write about but I feel like it'll help me and help others. Especially because I don't consider myself to be overly sensitive.
I love the fact that so many of my friends and family have wonderful tiny humans in their lives. I love hearing stories about their milestones. I love you and your families.
But it is not easy to hear about all of this going through such a loss. Every mention of your amazing child reminds me of the tiny human I saw on that sad ultrasound that I will never get to meet. Every first... when they roll over. Their first step. Every time they wake you up in the middle of the night crying.
To my very core, I believe that we will get to have the experience of having a family. No matter how it shakes out, we will get there. Don't stop sharing your stories. My replies will become longer than just heart emojis <3 and "Awe".
