I was uncomfortable. I had every pregnancy symptom you can imagine, outside of nausea. How thankful I was to feel the start of this tiny human growing inside me. We did it!
My journey has not been an easy one. I have Multiple Sclerosis and this makes planning a family very unsexy and very schedule based. Go off medication for a minimum of two months before you start to try. We were in Mexico earlier this year when I went off my medication, so two month minimum per my neurologist, three month minimum per my OB to make sure Zika would not be a threat. Planning so heavily is not sexy but we tried to make it fun.
That's when I got the first blow. I went in for an MRI to monitor my MS progress. For the first time in 3 years, I had new disease activity. The race to get pregnant was on.
It happened quickly and I felt so grateful and thankful that we did for a multitude of reasons! Firstly, because I was going to be a mom! We are going to start a family! Secondly, because MS goes into remission with pregnancy. So I no longer had to worry about getting "sick" until after the baby, which was common and I could be more prepared.
We started imaging our new life - and I started a ridiculous pinterest baby board! I scheduled the first appointment with my doctor after we got the positive pregnancy test. I took two just to be sure!
Fast forward to Monday August 5th. Josh and I go in for the first appointment. I was nervous and excited! We were finally going to see our baby! I was so excited to see that little flutter of a heartbeat. We stare anxiously at the screen waiting for the show to start. She is looking, looking... and finally said, "We must be off on timing of conception. I see something but it looks smaller than what I'd expect"
She sent us to imaging. After two more ultrasounds, we finally got to see our little one. It was so tiny, but I can't tell based on a screen what the normal size should be. There wasn't movement. I thought maybe... just maybe it was still too early. So I asked the ultrasound tech if it was too early to see a heartbeat. She said "I'll have the doctor explain everything to you."
We sat for an hour for the OB to read all the ultrasounds. She finally came in and said she had some news. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and I slightly feel like I am going to be sick. She told us "At this point in the pregnancy, there should be a visible heartbeat. And there is not. This is a miscarriage."
It suddenly felt like all the oxygen left the room. I was in shock. I couldn't breath. I didn't believe her. The next 30 minutes were fucking horrible. I wanted to just be at home in my bed.
Apparently, miscarriage is common. One in 4 women will have a miscarriage in the first trimester. But why do I feel so alone in this?
I've gone through a few stages of grief. Quite noticeably. Denial was strong but brief - it came and left while I was at the doctor's office. Are you sure the baby isn't alive? How could I let my husband down like this? Now I'm angry. I am so angry that anyone has to go through this. I am angry because I will most likely experience an aggressive MS relapse not once, but twice because of the miscarriage. I am angry because these are three months we won't be able to try starting a family. I am angry at my selfish thoughts. I am not a depressed person, but I can feel that my world is just not the same right now. I don't feel like myself and I am not sure how I can get back to that point. I feel like I'm putting on this fake smile and act.
I am also scared. I still have a baby inside of me. This tiny bit of tissue is still a part of me. I'm scared to lose it but at the same time I can't wait until it's gone so the reminder isn't constantly in my head. I am ready for relief and the ability to start the process of moving on.
Josh and I are beyond lucky because our support network has really been there for us. Every kind word and gesture has not gone unnoticed. It has helped us along in our healing process, which isn't over yet but it feels much more in reach. Thank you to everyone. We are so lucky to know each of you.
I want to have this conversation and talk about it so others don't feel so alone. Talking about this has gotten me through the worst week. I know things will get better. It is not a pretty conversation and there will be more tears. Or maybe the tears won't come. If you can be a shoulder or listening ear, do it immediately. You have no idea how much it will mean to someone to just listen.
