Reflection

 Today is infant & pregnancy loss remembrance day. no matter what, I will always celebrate my tiny "what if" every day, especially today. 

It's different than last year; last year, everything was so fresh and I really didn't think I would be OK again. Finding out my baby didn't have a heartbeat at our first ultrasound was the hardest thing I've had to accept. It took away all my joy and hope. I finally got in touch with a therapist because I needed help processing the extraordinary empty, isolated feeling I had. 

I was so happy that Color Street came out with a set this year to honor infant & pregnancy loss, called Never Forgotten. Everyone grieves differently, but this set is so meaningful to so many, and I've been able to connect with so many more ladies about their stories. Wearing this set proudly today <3 To all the other parents who have experienced loss: I send you all the love, especially today. I see you. I feel you. 

Pictured: the book I received at my ultrasound and a copy of the form to release the remains of my baby to the hospital so pathology could test them. I chose to take the "pill" to pass the remains of my child as I was advised it was safer than a D&C (operation). I wish I would have done the D&C, because I was not prepared for the 24 hours I experienced following the pill. It induces labor, and I had contractions for 6 hours. It was the most traumatizing and painful day of my life. 

 

Reality Bites

Sometimes you just need a good 90's movie title to be the hero of the day, because I'm not coming up with anything clever today.

The last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. Like every day I wanted to wear a pin with this picture on it, because so. many. emotions. The excellent, the awful, the in-between emotions. All of the emotions. 

About a year ago, I went off my MS medication, Gilenya so we could start a family and give Tully a sibling <3 Gilenya is a medication used to treat MS, aka Fingolimod. This med stops the passing of certain white blood cells through the blood/brain barrier into the CNS (Central Nervous System) to prevent further de-mylentaion on the nerves. 

Gilenya was off the table for trying to conceive. Along with pretty much any DMD. Long story short, I had an MRI (baseline) in June 2019 to check on disease activity. It showed several new flares. Typically normal in folks stopping Gilenya, so not a huge concern. 

It also happens I got pregnant in June 2019!! I was so excited, our window to get pregnant and not have to worry about relapses was here! We were going to have a tiny human. 

Fast forward to August 5th: our ultrasound day. I was bursting at the seems with joy, so excited to show off the tiny human growing inside me to my husband so he could see too! Well the ultrasound showed tiny baby B had no heartbeat. It was a failed pregnancy, aka miscarriage. 

We started to try again in December... January was tough with being away during fertile days due to training for my new job. February brought so much anxiety because of the scheduled MRI. 

Finally MRI day comes. It's a day I've been dreading for a while, 3 hours in a tiny tube with the most magnetic magnets circling me. Why does it have to be so LOUD???

Today, I had the results read (and shown) to me. It's so strange seeing all the weird, wavy layers of your brain and spinal cord in black and white and cloudy images. The cloudy images are the ones you don't want to see... and I have plenty of those, both new and old. The new lesions (that's what the cool kids call them...) are the ones that scare me. Terrify me. 

Today was the first time my provider said adoption and surrogacy might be the best options for us. It's not that we can't keep trying, but the longer I'm off any medication, the more likely I am to have an attack which is scary. I've had three really scary attacks in the past and have been lucky enough to recover from them, but there's always a chance recovery won't happen. So here we are, time is my greatest enemy right now. Being 34, continuing to not be on medication. So I have to make sure I'm as healthy as possible for our future family. And if we don't fix it ASAP... The distant future might not be so bright. 

We are going to keep trying to add to our family organically for the foreseeable future, but will keep options open. I'll be starting a new DMD soon, an infusion that has some studies in pregnancy, and has shown it's relatively safe. 

My body has been failing me for years, and it's beyond frustrating. Send positive vibes our way <3 <3 <3 

Empty Glass

2019 has been one emotional roller coaster after another. It started off amazingly! We spent time with good friends in Las Vegas for the New Year. Then again for the most amazing wedding in Mexico in February. 

We started the journey to add to our family in May - I had been off my MS medication for three months. I thought I knew what I was in for, but the reality of this year has cut into my soul deeper than I thought possible. How tough was I?!?! Someone that could handle anything thrown at her. My friends and family continuously tell me how strong I am. 

But this year has cracked my foundation. I'm not strong. I'm not undefeated. I'm not tough. Let's talk about it. 

New MS lesion activity. The first active lesion in 4 years. 

Pregnancy. Exciting and terrifying! 

Miscarriage. 

Decision time: 4 options.

1. Continue to try without DMD 
2. Continue to try with a low risk DMD 
3. Continue to try with a high risk DMD that will better regulate MS symptoms and progress but potentially cause injury to myself and fetus
4. Stop trying and continue with previous medication

All while also considering how many children we want to have - it may be just one. Not a decision that needs to be made today, but should be soon. No pressure. 

So, let's talk about the photo. It's the drug I am considering right now, if I decide to go back on a DMD. Copaxone is a small synthetic protein, made to mimic a fragment of myelin. It consists of four amino acids, the building blocks of proteins, that are found in myelin.

It's the safest DMD to start taking while trying to conceive. Also. WTF is a DMD right?! DMD = Disease Modifying Drug. 

In the smallest amount of time, we have our entire future to decide. Give us all the good juju. My glass is empty, and it needs some good vibes <3

Recovery

It's been about a month since the miscarriage. I'm still unsure on how to feel, so let's blog about it. Writing is one of my favorite things and helps me get my feelings out.

The first week following the loss was the hardest of my life. The entire process of being pregnant was so exciting, then all of a sudden it's not... It's so confusing. After the doctor tells you the news, you have 3 options. I picked the second one... and all of a sudden, I'm carrying a dead fetus for a week before we can separate. Bonding with something no longer alive, but something I am so scared to lose. Walking in a deep fog every single day like a zombie. Pretending to be happy and OK when I was severely NOT OK.  Actually having the miscarriage was painful both physically and emotionally. They never prepared me for the fact I'd have contractions. Contractions. For two hours. 

During that week, I questioned everything. Is the Doctor sure the baby didn't have a heartbeat? What did I do to deserve this? Should I have been a nicer person? Did I do something wrong? I've already had to endure so much as a young women. Why is this happening to me? 

Let's talk about something: Honesty. This is super difficult to write about but I feel like it'll help me and help others. Especially because I don't consider myself to be overly sensitive. 

I love the fact that so many of my friends and family have wonderful tiny humans in their lives. I love hearing stories about their milestones. I love you and your families. 

But it is not easy to hear about all of this going through such a loss. Every mention of your amazing child reminds me of the tiny human I saw on that sad ultrasound that I will never get to meet. Every first... when they roll over. Their first step. Every time they wake you up in the middle of the night crying.

To my very core, I believe that we will get to have the experience of having a family. No matter how it shakes out, we will get there. Don't stop sharing your stories. My replies will become longer than just heart emojis <3 and "Awe". 

Grief

Last week Monday, we were preparing to go in for our first prenatal appointment. I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. We had found out just about a month earlier and our daydreams were going wild: baby names! nursery themes! announcing to family and friends! daycares!

I was uncomfortable. I had every pregnancy symptom you can imagine, outside of nausea. How thankful I was to feel the start of this tiny human growing inside me. We did it! 

My journey has not been an easy one. I have Multiple Sclerosis and this makes planning a family very unsexy and very schedule based. Go off medication for a minimum of two months before you start to try. We were in Mexico earlier this year when I went off my medication, so two month minimum per my neurologist, three month minimum per my OB to make sure Zika would not be a threat. Planning so heavily is not sexy but we tried to make it fun.

That's when I got the first blow. I went in for an MRI to monitor my MS progress. For the first time in 3 years, I had new disease activity. The race to get pregnant was on. 

It happened quickly and I felt so grateful and thankful that we did for a multitude of reasons! Firstly, because I was going to be a mom! We are going to start a family! Secondly, because MS goes into remission with pregnancy. So I no longer had to worry about getting "sick" until after the baby, which was common and I could be more prepared. 

We started imaging our new life - and I started a ridiculous pinterest baby board! I scheduled the first appointment with my doctor after we got the positive pregnancy test. I took two just to be sure! 

Fast forward to Monday August 5th. Josh and I go in for the first appointment. I was nervous and excited! We were finally going to see our baby! I was so excited to see that little flutter of a heartbeat. We stare anxiously at the screen waiting for the show to start. She is looking, looking... and finally said, "We must be off on timing of conception. I see something but it looks smaller than what I'd expect" 

She sent us to imaging. After two more ultrasounds, we finally got to see our little one. It was so tiny, but I can't tell based on a screen what the normal size should be. There wasn't movement. I thought maybe... just maybe it was still too early. So I asked the ultrasound tech if it was too early to see a heartbeat. She said "I'll have the doctor explain everything to you." 

We sat for an hour for the OB to read all the ultrasounds. She finally came in and said she had some news. My heart is racing, my palms are sweaty and I slightly feel like I am going to be sick. She told us "At this point in the pregnancy, there should be a visible heartbeat. And there is not. This is a miscarriage."

It suddenly felt like all the oxygen left the room. I was in shock. I couldn't breath. I didn't believe her. The next 30 minutes were fucking horrible. I wanted to just be at home in my bed. 

Apparently, miscarriage is common. One in 4 women will have a miscarriage in the first trimester. But why do I feel so alone in this? 

I've gone through a few stages of grief. Quite noticeably. Denial was strong but brief - it came and left while I was at the doctor's office. Are you sure the baby isn't alive? How could I let my husband down like this? Now I'm angry. I am so angry that anyone has to go through this. I am angry because I will most likely experience an aggressive MS relapse not once, but twice because of the miscarriage. I am angry because these are three months we won't be able to try starting a family. I am angry at my selfish thoughts. I am not a depressed person, but I can feel that my world is just not the same right now. I don't feel like myself and I am not sure how I can get back to that point. I feel like I'm putting on this fake smile and act. 

I am also scared. I still have a baby inside of me. This tiny bit of tissue is still a part of me. I'm scared to lose it but at the same time I can't wait until it's gone so the reminder isn't constantly in my head. I am ready for relief and the ability to start the process of moving on.

Josh and I are beyond lucky because our support network has really been there for us. Every kind word and gesture has not gone unnoticed. It has helped us along in our healing process, which isn't over yet but it feels much more in reach. Thank you to everyone. We are so lucky to know each of you. 

I want to have this conversation and talk about it so others don't feel so alone. Talking about this has gotten me through the worst week. I know things will get better. It is not a pretty conversation and there will be more tears. Or maybe the tears won't come. If you can be a shoulder or listening ear, do it immediately. You have no idea how much it will mean to someone to just listen. 

Multiple Sclerosis: My unwanted life partner

It's my favorite time of year! I love The holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. My wonderful husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving this year for our families in our new home. I couldn't be more excited to host everyone and enjoy a wonderful meal. 

I'm thankful for so many things - Josh, our dog Tully, our family and friends, our beautiful planet, red wine, heels. I could go on! But there's one thing I'm not thankful for: having MS. 

Every year I rally my family and friends to raise funds for MS research. There is no cure for this disease. It also happens to be one of those invisible diseases - so while I look great on the outside (thanks in advance for all the compliments ;) ), there are things going on in my body that are making me crazy at any given time. 

Last Tuesday, I started experiencing my third major exacerbation, or attack. This attack has been completely different from anything I have experienced with MS so far. Typically I deal with fatigue - not just being tired, but physically hurting because I can't concentrate on a task for more than 30 seconds. I also deal with tingling and numbness. My first attack happened in 2009 when half of my face went numb for about 3 weeks. My second attack happened in 2012, my body went numb from the legs down. 

This third attack is completely different. It's pain. Last Tuesday, my right arm started to ache. I brushed it off as sleeping on it poorly and went about my day. When I woke up on Wednesday, it was more painful. I took some ibuprofen. It didn't help. I started researching pain and MS. I wasn't quite convinced it could be related. After waking up on Thursday and the severity of the pain was a 6 out of 10. It was getting worse. By Friday, it was an 8 and accompanied by a burning sensation in my arm. I slept 2 hours Friday night. I spent my time researching pain and MS and what kinds of pain are associated. I've self diagnosed myself with a type of pain called Dysesthesia. I don't know how to pronounce it, but the definition is exactly what I'm experiencing: an abnormal burning or aching sensation. We'll see what my neurologist has to say :)

Pain fucks up your quality of life. I haven't been in a very good mood this weekend. I've smiled, I've laughed, I've finished painting my newest DIY project: a dresser. But I feel like throwing up because I am in so much pain. I also feel like I might spend the rest of the day crying. I bought icyhot yesterday as a temporary solution until I see my Neurologist. I'm also making an appointment with an acupuncturist. 

I am not thankful for having this BS disease. I try to stay positive and strong. This attack, I am not strong. I am not positive. I am really, really pissed off. But having MS has made me thoughtful and empathetic to everyone out there in the world. Everyone is fighting a battle you don't know about at any given time. 

Oh my pod! Floating!

I am always up for new challenges and trying new things. So when my sister in law told me about a year ago about this new craze called floating, I thought it would be fun and relaxing! Basically you float in a warm tub of water that has at least 1,000 lbs of salt dissolved into it. Why did it take me almost a year to try it out?

At the time, I was planning a wedding. Then we moved, went on a mini-moon, adopted a dog, went on our honeymoon, started a new job and started looking at houses. It's been a wonderful year and things have finally started to slow down a bit, so I started looking into floating again! Bought a Groupon and scheduled my float. Let me break it down for you, and then I'll cover what I liked and didn't like.

The Prep: 
I arrived 15 minutes early as requested to get a tour of the facility and watch a video about floating. This covers the do's and don't of floating. It's pretty self explanatory - don't go to the bathroom in the float pod, float on your back not on your side/stomach, don't get water in your eyes.. etc. 

The facility I went to has 3 floating rooms. Two of the rooms are equipped with pods, or isolation tanks with giant filters attached to them. One is equipped with a large tub. 

After the tour, I was escorted to my floating room. I was using one of the pods. The room was dimly lit, and soothing music (which you get to pick) was playing in the background. I chose a meditation track and it was fabulous!

So before you get into the tub, you have the option of wearing silicone earplugs and I opted to do that. After a quick rinse in the shower, into the tub I went. 

The Pod:
I stepped into the water and immediately felt the buoyancy! It's a strange feeling and I imagine the only comparison is to that of being in the dead sea. Which I haven't been, just a theory. I left the top of my tank open about 6 inches. I'm not claustrophobic, it simply helped me relax. I also opted to keep the tub light on during my float. 

I finally situate myself to a floating position I was comfortable with and my mind is full of thoughts and questions. Why do I keep hitting the sides of the tub? I love this relaxing music. So... in here for 60 minutes, that's a really long time. I'll be honest, it was uncomfortable for the first 15 minutes. I started to focus on my breathing, and the rest of the time was really nice! It was a new and unique way to meditate and relax. 

Before I knew it, my 60 minutes was up! I reluctantly got out and hopped in the shower to get all the salt off. Once I was read to leave the room, I went to the prep room and dried my hair and had a cup of vanilla rooibos tea. 

The woman who owns the business I went to is extremely knowledgeable and it was nice to ask her some of the questions I had after the float. I would certainly consider floating again!

So on to what I liked - and didn't like. 

• It was a new way to meditate and relax for an hour. Yoga has the same calming effect on me. I think these two together will be a great way to stay balanced and clear minded.  
• The owner was very knowledgeable and was able to answer my questions
• Shampoo, conditioner and body wash is provided. Though, it's basic and I would recommend bringing your own. 
• My biggest concern: the pod is not drained and sanitized between floats. It is triple filtered. They say the salinity of the water is enough to ensure no bacterial growth and even so the triple filter would kill anything, but I'm still a bit skeptical. But, essentially public pools are WAY more disgusting and we've all gone in one of those!

I would absolutely go again. They handed out a welcome bag with additional information about The Float Factor, a small bag of Epsom salt and a tea sample. So, have you tried the floating craze? What are your thoughts?!